Definitive ranking of Tom Brady's suspects

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Tom Brady jokingly makes suspects board in search for his jersey

Tom Brady may not be taking his missing jersey as seriously as Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick. While Patrick has asked the Texas Rangers to help the Houston Police Department in locating the jersey which they estimate is worth $500,000, Brady has developed a suspect board to solve the crime.

"Case 0012, my missing jersey," he wrote on the board referencing the jersey number.

So who are the unusual suspects? We rank them from most to least likely.

  1. Swiper the fox
  2. We all know that Dora the Explorer is the only one that can stop Swiper with her catchphrase, "Swiper, no swiping!" The game probably ended past her bed time especially since it was on a school night. His ambush style would be perfect for this crime.

  3. Prison Mike
  4. "The Office" character says he's in prison for theft and robbery so the crime does fit his MO, but Mike may not be the most reliable source. He also claims that the worst part of prison was the dementors and that he kidnapped the president's son. As far as we know, Baron is safe in New York.

  5. Julian Edelman
  6. Tom Brady's teammate definitely has a motive after being snubbed for MVP. The wide receiver made a jaw-dropping catch during the Super Bowl, one that blew up the internet and instantly goes down among the greatest in NFL history. Brady comments that, "because of the s@?# you pulled, you can bet I'll be looking into you!"

  7. Lady Gaga
  8. She definitely was at the scene of the crime and as Brady points out, she did have escape ropes that she dropped into the stadium with like Mission Impossible. One her costumes from her record breaking halftime show included shoulder pads, but no jersey. Maybe she wanted to compete the outfit?
  9. Gollum
  10. His original plan could have been to steal one of Brady's five rings, but settled for a different "precious." He was also shirtless all the way to Mordor and could have used the jersey on such a difficult journey.

  11. Crab People
  12. Brady notes that they wish to rule the land of the Earth and their goal is to make all men weak. Maybe they thought the jersey was the source of Brady's power. However, Brady may be framing the "South Park" characters after the show has mocked Brady and his two loves Gisele and Bill Belichick.

  13. "Creepy" Tom Brady
  14. Brady even pointed to himself or rather an awful sketch of him during the "deflategate" trial. Could Tom Brady be behind the missing jersey and the suspect board nothing, but a cover-up?

  15. Guy who stole Khalessi's eggs (Pyat Pree)
  16. We can definitely imagine Brady yelling, "Where is my jersey?" with Khalessi-level intensity. Is this all a trap to lure Brady into the House of the Undying?

  17. Scooby
  18. No, not that Scooby. This heist stinks of an inside job so Brady's dog, Scooby, could have committed this perfect crime. Brady says this wouldn't be his first theft. He constantly steals food from Fluffy.

  19. Clown from Air Bud
  20. This wouldn't have been his first sports-related crime. Like Brady says, "Who steals a dog from a kid?"

  21. O' Doyle Family
  22. Brady comments that the "Billy Madison" family is a brotherhood of bullies and that they are "stealers of lunches", but we're pretty sure the entire family drove over a cliff near the conclusion of the movie.

  23. Gary Oak
  24. He may be a bad kid and say, "Smell you later," but he doesn't have a history of stealing Pokémon. This seems more like a job for Team Rocket.
  25. Jaws
  26. Brady notes that he has a violent history, but this wasn't a violent crime. Also, we don't think Jaws would want to swim in Galveston.
Related Topics:
sportstom bradySuper Bowl 51Houston
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